Bye Bye Gym, Letting Go Is Good

I had a decent practice this morning.  My hamstrings felt brand new, and my shoulder was feeling much better. Last night, I finally took my yoga teachers recommendation and rubbed castor oil all over my body and let it seep into my overstretched muscles.  Castor oil is supposed to soften muscles.  I woke up this morning and the strain that I was feeling in my hamstrings for the past 2 months from doing at least 55 forward folds almost daily for was magically gone.  During my practice my teacher pointed out that I was turning my hand the wrong way in marichiasna 1 and 2 which contributed to my rounding of my shoulders.  She taught me how to bind correctly which will hopefully open my shoulders more.  I experience a nice shavasana and was able to go a little deeper in my mediation, which I guess I am proud of myself for doing since I struggle with meditation. 

Later that morning I went to zumba at my gym to dance and have fun since I had the day free to myself.  When I got there it turned out that my membership was put on hold for November when it was not supposed to be.  I decided that I did not want to reactivate my membership this month and then have it cancelled starting in December because I didn’t use the gym in November yet and I only have about 10 days left in the U.S.  Before I left I went upstairs to say goodbye to the fitness director Maria and also to scope out my hottie trainer friend J.  I knew Maria for about 8 years; I met her when I was going into my sophomore year in college at Sportime.  I would say it was a bittersweet goodbye, since I was cancelling my membership for good.  It was bittersweet because I love the gym.  I have so many good and bad memories about the gym.  The gym saw me at my best and at my worst throughout my journey.  It was sad to say goodbye to a facility and people that seen me trip and fall and pick myself up again and again.  It was a sweet goodbye because I realized that I am very attached to the gym.  Looking back, I feel that being attached to the gym hindered my spiritual growth always.  So it was sweet to let go of an attachment enabling me to be free and grow as an individual. It will also force me to be outside more in nature.  I can’t wait to take walks around my neighborhood, bike ride on the trails and rollerblade the boardwalk at the beach.  It will also help me face my fear of death. I fear that since I am a young female and if I am by myself, someone might take advantage of me or hurt me.  This would always stop me from doing activities that I want to participate in like rollerblading, jogging and biking on trails.  It always helps me to remember that life is about living in the present moment and doing what you want even if it means letting go of your fears. By letting go of my fear of death, it allows me to live in the present moment, allows me to live a more meaningful life where I comfortable and connected to myself and others.  Most importantly it allows me to enjoy and explore the world I live in!

In A Funk

I been a little off, not myself, the past few days and that is why I haven’t checked in lately.  I saw Liz on Friday, so that might have triggered it.  We went into the city to a gypsy jazz show.  It was good music, good conversations and good times. I told her that I might be quiet because I am sad that I will not see her for a while.  She was a little confused because she was under the impression that I would be gone for a few weeks, not a few months.  She reassured me that we would see each other and get tea or something before I leave.  I was able to block out my emotions of saying goodbye to a good friend since she said she will say goodbye before I leave regardless if we really do.  I numbed myself out and got lost in the music, not thinking about leaving good friends behind and forgot about feeling my sadness.  We got home late that night and I went to sleep shortly after.  I did not mind staying out late; I just minded how I felt the next day.  I woke up feeling tired, irritable, and not fully attentive.   I basically felt hung over, minus drinking alcohol.  I woke and ran out of the house to get a few errands done for India before I had to leave to go back the city. I went to the bank to put my money in a cd since I would be away for some time, but since interests are so low it wasn’t worth it.  Next I went to Fairway to order a massive amount of supplements that I would like to bring with me to India because I doubt they sell probiotics and digestive enzymes there.  My total would come to approximately $400.00 if I purchase everything that I ordered. I was not happy and I got anxious about the total price because I hate spending money.  After my errands I came home and got ready to go to the city.  I was attending a yoga workshop called “Compassion and Devotion: A Heart Opener Workshop.”  I was really excited about this workshop since it was with a teacher I know and the workshop had a beautiful theme.  I love the idea of heart openers and I always incorporate them into my classes focusing on sending out love and compassion through the heart chakra.  I enjoyed the workshop as I expected.  The teacher had us make our practice a prayer or an offering.  That concept really stuck with me.  I usually make my practice a moving meditation, but today while practicing I tried to focus on making it a prayer.  I also enjoyed that the teacher briefly explored bhakti yoga, yoga of devotion, which is a branch of yoga that I have been recently exploring and really getting into.  I left the class and was off to visit my friend Sam.  She is my little sister from my sorority and a good friend of mine. I checked my phone to see if she called or messaged me back because I tried to get in touch with her several times before the workshop.  I did not hear from her and tried calling her again.   She did not answer so I left her a message. I hope everything is okay because she usually returns calls.  I was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to see her and probably won’t be able to see her before I leave.  Since I did not have any plans  anymore, I decided to walk to Penn Station with a girl that I knew from the studio.  The walk went fast as we were engaged in an interesting conversation.  It turns out she spent time in this cool place in the west where she did yoga, acupuncture, rieki and a bunch of other healing methods.  She also told me that she will be moving to California soon.  It is so great to see how people are able to evolve and fulfill their dreams to live a happy and meaningful life as I am working on doing.  We arrived at Penn and I caught the next train home and spent my ride trying to figure out what I wanted to do on my Saturday night since my plans were no longer in existence.  I decided not to stress about it and I would figure it out when I got home. When I got home my parents invited me to go out to dinner and I accepted their offer.  We went to a diner and I was still upset that I did not hear from Sam and I did not have something exciting to do after dinner. When I got home I decided to dabble with boredom, something that I struggle with. Looking back on that night I should have planned to do something specific like reading a book or watching a movie.  The next morning, I woke up and decided to go to yoga despite my strained shoulder. It was a good practice and I think it might have helped my shoulder.  I always find humor in the fact that you can heal and injury with the same activity that you injured it in.    After yoga, I went to a health fair which was enjoyable.  I went to check out the latest in holistic health field, get free stuff and to go to a lecture about spirituality in the psychological world.  It was a pretty interesting lecture that discussed how important spiritually is in healing traumas.  The speaker was extremely fascinating.  When she was younger she spent time in Peru studying with a shaman.  It was inspiring to see that people on all different paths of life are all connected to following their dreams and heart.  She inspired me to keep on my spiritual journey, knowing I may have a lot of pitfalls and barriers to break but it will be worth it in the end.

Living In The Material World And I Am A Material Girl

As I research for travel health insurance, purchase items for the journey, receive my new backpack that I ordered, the excitement grows.  Things start to become more real! I leave for India in two weeks!  Since I didn’t have to watch the kiddies today, I dedicated the day to figuring out my health insurance plan.  While researching different plans I experienced a felling of genuine happiness from an unusual source .  I felt warmth inside and a sense of connectedness, which I long to feel every day.  The source was from finding out that I would receive more rewards from my new Premium Sapphire Credit Card than I was originally told.  I was originally explained that if I spent $3,000 in 3 months I will receive $200.  While researching travel insurance, I had called chase to ask a quick question about the travel insurance they would be providing me.  When I was on the phone the banker explained that if I spend $3,000 in 3 months I will not receive $200, I would actually receive $500 or approximately $625 towards a flight!  After the banker told me that, I lit up, I felt all warm and gooey inside.  I realized  that Chase will be basically paying for my flight home.  I ran upstairs immediately with pure joy in my heart to tell my dad the fantastic news.   As I told my dad the news I felt this connected to him as we spoke.   I was able to look into his left eye (his receiving eye) and I was really able to connect to him and myself.  It felt amazing.  Eye contact is something that I tend to have difficulty when I stray off my path.  I tend to be more irritable, not connected to myself and to others.  So I was grateful for this moment.  I was a little confused why I became so elated when I found out that chase will be basically paying for my flight home since I been practicing nonattachment  and working on finding happiness from within, not from an outside source.   My excitement was directly due to an attachment from a material item, money, which did surprise me. Living in the western society and giving up all attachments towards material objects, relationships or beliefs is such an arduous task for me.  For anyone that knows me, having attachments is still is a huge challenge for me, especially attachments to old ideas and now money.  I always have this fear that I will not have enough money, especially because I will be spending a lot soon, or this constant worrying about how I am going to make money, and what I will do to make income when I return home.  I just have to remember that this is a practice and obviously I have to keep on practicing on trusting that the universe will provide for me as long as I make right choices and give back to the universe!

Visa Visa

So it the morning, and I am listening to the sweet sounds of Krishna Das before I have to leave and pick the kiddies up from school. What a great way to start my day, versus sleeping till 9 and rushing which I have been doing over the past few days.   So reflecting on yesterday, I think it was an emotional day for many reasons.

1.  I applied for my Indian visa.  This signifies that I am about to embark on my journey.  I waited so long to apply because I want to be able to maximize the amount of time that I am allowed to stay in India.  The visa starts whenever it is approved, not from the date of entry.  My visa is for 6 months (unless I apply to extend it for 5 years while I am there).  I truly would love to pick up and  live in India for 5 years and say goodbye to the western world and turn in my designer duds for a more spiritual and balanced life. Who knows, maybe I will.  

2.  I realized I will be seeing my friend Liz on Friday.  As happy as I am to see her, I am really sad to say goodbye to her.  Liz is one of my best friends and I love her.  She has truly been a major impact in my life.  She has always been there for me no matter what.  She is always there to lend a ear and listen to me rant and rave about boys (and then make fun of me about it).   She is also a person who I can talk to about the more personal, emotional, ordeals of my life.  She has this cool, funky, upbeat personality that can make anyone smile when being with her.  I think it will be more difficult to say goodbye to her than my parents.  She at times has been more of a family to me than a friend these days and I thank her for that.

3.   I ordered my backpack with the help of my dad from Eastern Mountain Sports.  I did the research, he did the talking when we bought it.  It will be interesting traveling with a backpack that only fits 65 ounces vs. my huge ass suitcase.  I will only be packing essentials!  It is a little nerve racking though because I will be leaving a lot of cherished items behind.  I did received an email from a friend that previously visited India  telling me to pack light because you are going to want to buy clothes there to blend in.  That comforts and excites me!  I haven’t bought new clothes in a while and so now will probably buy some new clothes in India. 

Ekard

So in preparation for my upcoming trip to India I made a stop to the local Ekard Pharmacy after watching my 2 favorite kiddies. I had to drop off my prescription for my 180 pills of Malaria Medication...oh so exciting. As I entered the store, there was an elderly couple standing at the Medicare table; I stopped and stared for some reason. I stared some more, because the couple looked familiar. I soon had my “aha moment” and realized it was my across the street neighbors, Blanche and Jules, who I adore and who adore me. I went up to them to say hi and see how they were doing. Blanche asked me if I took the day off because I was in the store at 4:30 pm in my sweats. I told her the news and gave her a quick update about my life and how I am no longer teaching and that I am going to India in 17 days

After telling her this, she stares at me long and hard and exclaims "you are crazy, and your mother, is she letting you go?" I quickly respond, "I'm almost 27, my mom can't tell me what decisions to make, where I go and what I want to do with my life." She laughs and agrees saying that she forgot I was so old and remembers the days when I was 2 years old walking around her house playing and my grandpa would have to come over to get me so he would have a chance to play with me. She continues to engage in our conversation reminiscing and explained to me, "At your age I was already married with kids" then she questioned me "marriage and kids doesn't appeal to you?" I explained that if it happens it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  The conversation soon came to an end and as we exchanged goodbyes she surprisingly told me that she admired me for going to India for so long.  I thanked her and promised I will visit before I leave. I then proceeded to drop off my prescription.

I kind of think that it is weird for someone to first tell you that you are crazy for doing something then tell you that they admire you. It is a little odd to me, but I get it. I mean maybe I am crazy for uprooting myself and going to India for 5 1/2 months. These people that think I am crazy are in disbelief and shock that I am not looking for a new 9-5 job. These same people ask me how my mom feels about me going to India and are in shock that my mom is "letting" me go.  These people that tell me all this are the same people that tell me they are proud of me and admire me.

1.       It is weird feeling for people to telling me that they admire me.  I feel that I am not doing anything special.  The only special thing that I feel that I am doing is being able to live my dharma and live the life that I am supposed to live, not live the life that I was expected to live.

2.      I get why these people tell me that I am crazy.  I do because if my friend left their posh career to travel and take a year, two or three off, I would think that they are out of their mind.  I would also be secretly jealous of them for having the courage to go out and explore the world by themselves.

All I know is that I want to feel loved and accepted for being me by the people that are supposed to care about me the most, no matter what I do.  At the same time I am so grateful to have my Yandara girls, teachers, mentors and some friends to support me and love me for living the life that I am supposed to live. 

"It's better to live your own dharma imperfectly than to live someone else's perfectly"

Namaste

Welcome to my blog. As most of you know I am NOT technologically advanced and I do NOT know how these blogs work.  As most of you know, I am about to embark on an adventure to India and I would love to share my feelings, thoughts and adventures with you!

I applied and was accepted to study at the Ashtanga Institute in Mysore with Sharath Jois, Phattabhi Jois's grandson in September. Phattabhi Jois is often called the grandfather of yoga. He introduced yoga to the western world and made it popular. I have always dreamed of studying with him and going to India since I started yoga about 8 years ago. I will be studying with his grandson because Phattabhi passed away a few years ago. Nerveless, I am excited to go.

I figured I would start this blog to keep in touch with people, let my mom know I am alive on a daily basis, and get to share what I am going through. I bought a one way ticket to Bangalore, I am not sure how long I will stay in Mysore and where I will go after, but all I know is that November 18th can't come soon enough!

So enjoy, maybe I will write about you, maybe I won’t and as most of you know I speak what is on my mind, usually don’t hold anything back and I do not edit my recreational work.