Believe

It is so comforting knowing that people still believe in this world. I have grown up witnessing many friends and family members growing up with a certain religion but not believing in it, having little to no faith. This left me disheartened, confused and feeling like an outcast. Growing up I loved my religion. I loved learning about my religion and celebrating holidays (but I despised going to temple). It baffled me that relatives and friends would say they are of a certain faith then say that they are not really of that faith. That left me with many questions, should I believe in G-d. or should I not. Should I just think what everyone else thinks so I wouldn't feel like an outsider or freak. I really didn't know what to think and I did not want to feel like an outsider, so I did what was easiest for me, I didn't think about it.

Years later I find myself in practicing yoga in India and while there I was invited to an idol installation. I was invited by my harmonium teacher.  She is an active member at the Krishna Temple in the town I live in. There were approximately one hundred or more devoted locals crammed in the temple enthusiastically partaking in the celebration and trying to get a glimpse of the rituals being preformed by the priests. What really amazed me was how all the members came because they wanted to. They were eager to participate and presently be there. It also amazed me that they still believed in something greater than themselves.

It was miraculous for me to participate in the special and joyous event. It was comforting to know that people still believe. It also strenghend my own intention to be connected to G-d and the universal oneness that we and all things share. It is a miracle that people still believe and a miracle that I still believe.

Cheap Girl

"Surrender." "Be yourself to discover yourself." These are two sayings that I hear a lot while practicing yoga in Mysore. One would think that I have made progress in surrendering and being myself therefore discovering myself. Well on a scale from 1-10, ten being the highest I would rate myself a big ZERO for surrendering and being myself in order to discover myself. That is quite upsetting to me. I still hold on to some old fears, patterns and desires.
 
I fear my future. I am petrified of it.  As I am unemployed, I fear spending money and I fear being poor. I desire to have money, and to know that I am financial stable by having a stable job. I once was told "money is energy that you put into the universe and it will return to you." Why can't I embrace that philosophy and stop being a cheap *ss. I am here in Mysore and trying to attempt to a monthly budget for fear I will spend all my money and go home to no income and money in my savings. One might say that it is good that you are staying on a budget, but another (probably a yogi) would say "Cara, practice nonattachment, you are to attached to money and the idea of that having money will make me happy, seek happiness from with in rather than seek it externally."

By having this realization I was able to surrender and be myself. I am now able to spend my money intentionally for my unique needs. I would like to give myself a pat on the back, because as I surrendered and let go of fears, I am on the road to progress, on my way to finding myself!

Tea For Two

Sometimes you realize how nonpresent and disconnected you are from yourself and the world when you experience brief moments of being in the present moment and feeling connected. When we feel connected to ourselves, to others and to the present moment, it feels amazing. It fills you up inside and fills every part of your being and soul. After we experience this feeling we want nothing less, and we develop an awareness of knowing when we are connected or disconnected from ourselves and the world. I fortunately had that experience, the miracle, of being present and connected to myself and the world.

One reason why traveled all the way to Mysore, India, was to study Ashtanga Yoga with one of the world's greatest yogis. I believe that by following the path of Ashtanga Yoga, the 8 limbs of yoga, I will gain the strength and courage to live in the present moment, to wake up to life, to wake up to myself and live in the present moment, and to open up to myself more.

Last July I traveled to Bali, Indonesia, to take a yoga teacher training course and I was blessed to have studied with the most amazing and genuine yogis and to train with the most sincere, hard working and dedicated teachers. These inspiring people helped me find happiness, they showed me how to live in the present moment and I was able to return home connected, open to life and the world. I felt happy, I looked happy and it felt pretty dam good! Unfortunately, this feeling slowly faded, and I slowly started to focus on other things rather than my yoga practice.

Yoga, union of body, mind and soul, is a hard practice. It is a 24/7 practice. One does not have to hang out for hours in handstand to be a yogi. To be a great yogi, one can be in a simple, easy position and as long as their body, mind and soul are united. That is yoga. Happiness radiates from the yogi as they are connected and they are open to life.

Yesterday, I was invited to my friends house for tea, and it turned out to be an invitation to open up to the present moment, feel connected, to be yoga. While spending time with my friend, there was a shift, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in my body. I was able to soften and let down my guard. I felt calm and soft inside, my speech and thoughts slowed down. I was filled up inside. Full of presence, awareness and connection. I was connected to my movements, my actions, my thoughts, and my soul. I was happy, I was at peace and I was experiencing life as it was intended to be.

These moments makes me realize how much I tend to run away from the world, from myself and feelings by keeping my guard up. They also remind me that yoga is a practice, a hard practice and inspires me to keep true to ashtanga yoga, the 8 limbs, so I can experience moments like this more often.

Every moment is an opportunity to let down our guard that protects us, to practice yoga, to open up to the present moment, to open up life and to experience peace, happiness and bliss and share it with others.

"It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you are really there"

I Miss Home

I am not going to lie. I am missing home today. I am missing my friends and missing my family. It could be because I am dealing with a bump in the road, it could be because I registered for another month at the shala or it can be due to the fact that I feel lost because I have no idea where I will be and have no idea what to do after the shala closes. As I feel an emptiness in my heart, I long to be able to see the smiling faces of my dear friends and family to give me a hug and comfort me. I long to be able to call them when I want and not wait to call them at a specific time.

The reason I am writing this is because I have been aware of the actions that led up to this feeling of emptiness.  I am aware of my feelings of emptiness at the present moment, but as I most infamously do, I hide from my feelings because they are too hard to deal with, thus using unfavorable behaviors to cope with my unpleasant feelings. Even though I am disappointed that I have used behaviors that no longer serve me, I should celebrate the fact that I have cultivated an awareness that has allowed me to realize the fact that I am using certain behaviors to block the emotional pain that I am dealing with. As I work through another block in the road, the awareness that I have cultivated will give me the strength to let go my negative tendencies that I have used in the past to cope with unpleasant feelings.  It will give me more strength to be able to sit, feel and experience my unpleasant emotions with similar situations in the future, thus making me a stronger, more connected individual.

Conference

Wow I really don't know where to start, because I have so much to say. Things in Mysore are great, hard, but great. Hard in the fact that I believe I am opening up to life more, opening to the present moment, and letting go of the past. I am finding beauty in nature, people, and the present moment more often than I used to. There are some things that have been coming up for me this past week and I would like to share them.
Last Sunday's conference with Sharath, was beautiful, inspiring, emotional and it really hit home. He touched on so many topics in such a short time, but really left a long lasting impression how I feel about myself, my life and dealing with the changes in my life.
1. The first thing that stood out to me was that he said, it doesn't matter if you have a beautiful body if you do not have a beautiful heart. Sharath couldn't have said it better. So many people in the society we live in focus and devote their life to the beautification of their physical body. By spending hours at the gym, spas, putting on make up, years and life times dieting, we neglect beautifying our heart, the most important aspect of our being. What about devoting our lives to the purification and the beautification of the heart or even devoting your life to something higher than yourself? I too am guilty because at times in my life I have devoted my life to the beautification of my physical body and neglected the heart. I am happy that I am strong enough today to work on beautifying my heart everyday vs. the physical body. When it all comes down to it, no one will want to be in your presence with an ugly heart despite all the physical beauty you may posses. One teacher at home says yoga changes your inside, not your outside. I am so grateful that I found yoga, or you can say yoga found me!
2. He touched on how he misses Guruji, his grandpa, and how even though he passed and he misses him, how he still can feel his presence everyday in his life. Like Sharath, I miss my grandparents so much. Especially my Grandpa Nat, or G Paw as we all called him, the grandparent that was in my life the longest and recently passed. I miss him everyday of my life. By keeping an emotional wall built around me, I tend to keep feelings out so I don't hurt, because missing him hurts, and the hurt is in my heart. Sharath helped me take down some of my wall. I was able to feel sadness and loneliness, as well as happiness because I realized that I can feel G Paw's presence everyday in my life. He doesn't have to be here in order for me to feel him.

3. He said that as long as you have yoga in your heart, yoga will save you, and this quote is an emotional one for me. I started yoga 9 years ago, being a method that would lead to the death of me, but then I eventually turned to it as a practice to save me. Taking my first Ashtanga class and listening to the teacher speaking about the 8 limbs of yoga and Phattabhi Jois (even though ashtanga classes were hard to find so I practiced other styles of yoga) I knew this was a path I should and want to follow in order to save me, restore purity and happiness with myself and in my heart. By Sharath saying what he said, inspires me to share why I came to Mysore with others. It also, encourages and empowers me to spread yoga to other people that share the same struggles as me and to help the world reclaim their right to happiness in their lives.
That is enough for today.

Ms. M.I.A.

Well it been about a month and a half since I checked in with you, and I apologize. It is not because I do not like you or because I am lazy and did not want to write. It is because I made the conscious decision to journal on a daily basis instead of blogging daily because I didn't want to feel like being a slave to blogging So I deeply apologize for not informing you about my decision. I changed my mind and I was inspired to blog again because I signed on my blog account to read a friend's blog but I ended up reading my blogs instead! It was funny to read my blog and find all my typos. Also it was nice to remind myself of what I was going through a few months ago and how connected I really was to myself despite how much I considered the months before my departure as a time from slipping away from my "hub." All I know is that I should give myself more credit than I do.

So now the hard part, to condense a month and a half month of greatness into a few sentences. I like living in India more than at home. I like walking pretty much everywhere, I like living by myself, I like not being yelled at for using my fingers to eat, I like feeling happy, I love the hot weather and I like eating fresh food. I am trying to learn as much as possible while here, enjoy my time and find happiness with in myself at all times. As for activities I do my asana practice (yoga class) 6 days a week and go to chanting 3-5 times a week at the shala (yoga studio). The other days I go into town to chant the yoga sutras with a fantastic and brilliant lady named Jiashree and then listen to her cousin give a philosophy talk.   They are such warm people with a great energy. I feel comfortable and at home at their place. I also take harmonium with the sweetest lady so I can fulfill my dream of becoming a super star kirtan player. I am learning fast and loving every moment of playing! I have been taking Sanskrit (language) and finding it so interesting, but it is getting hard really fast and I am becoming frustrated with it easily. I keep on reminding myself that I came to Mysore to learn Sanskrit, so I keep telling myself to stick with it. I also just started to study Chapter 3 of the Gita, which has been helping me feel more comfortable in my decision to give up teaching and come to India for the time being.  I recently took a yoga sutra and a hath yoga partipika class.  I

In my free time I been teaching English at a children's shelter and spend time with the children providing them with a lot of love and attention. I also read, chat with the friends I made here, go to kirtans, meditation classes, go to the gym, relax try to keep it real! My only issue here is that my life here in Mysore isn't what I expected it to be. I came with this idea of it being this great spiritual intensive retreat. I must let go of any expectations that I had of Mysore. Right now, I see Mysore as the real world, not an escape or bubble as may people refer to it as. You can't hide from the world or life here. You have to make your own decisions and fend for yourself on a daily basis, you still are vulnerable to being hurt here as you are in anywhere in the world. This is why I decided to commit spending my time here verses going to an ashram where I would be able to hide and be disconnected from the world. I can't wait to write my next post!